Mental Exhaustion and 22 Sleeps To Go

13 Feb

It’s still so surreal. 

I’ve felt trapped for so long (even in my life that allows so much freedom and many simple luxuries that I want to stop taking for granted), that travel feels like an alternate reality that I’ve invented to cope with the day-to-day life of studying and jobs. I feel tears of mixed emotions pushing through as I try to convince myself but not daring to believe that backpacking will soon be my day-to-day life. I’m so scared… But I’m so ridiculously excited. I’m no longer so fearful for what I’m leaving behind. I just want culture and excitement and to feel alive! Unless you’ve done something similar in your life, you can’t know how mentally exhausted I’ve made myself by over-thinking everything to do with choosing this path, the path that flings the everyday life I’m used to out of the window. 

My mind has been a constant pendulum, drumming back and forth between the negatives and positives that choosing this path brings. Occasionally things get hard when a comment somebody makes (about being too young or going alone etc.) gets to me and makes me linger over the negatives for too long. Thankfully, I also hear many positive things (about how they wish they could do the same thing, or about how much fun I will have) that help me linger on the uplifting things instead, and eventually I regain my self confidence and faith in my choices. 

And so, with 22 (theoretical) sleeps to go, I still have many more roller coaster rides of daily emotions to go. Feeling like crying for no particular reason when I’m on my checkout at work, or the ridiculous things that I stress about as I’m trying to go to sleep, that I have to write down to settle my mind, or feeling confusion because I feel happy for my friends who are moving towns and even islands for university, instead of feeling sad because I know that I won’t see them for many months (which feels longer when you’re only 18). These things and many more are the causes of the knots nestled in my shoulders. However, my dreams spread far and wide ahead of me cause me to also be on edge constantly, from excitement and too many things to think about and to do, but also cause me to have a constant content glow simmering in my very core. 

(The picture is a painting from an opshop, on the wall in my bedroom. It kind of shows the way I feel I am at the moment, staring into this future.) Image


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