Archive | July, 2013

Light Upon Darker Paths

10 Jul

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Today, if all goes to plan (and I hope feverently that it does) I’m going to Venice. To Italy for the first time. I’m excited and feel better than I have in weeks, to be honest. Dancing to the over-played Vampire Weekend on my phone around my couchsurfing hosts awesome apartment, I feel care-free. I feel strong and at peace. I feel like whatever comes my way I can deal with, as opposed to my usual assumption that I will be able to. The times that have been (politely said) not so great seem to have been ultimately compensated by this moment.

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Everything happens for a reason.

I know that not everybody believes it, and don’t ask me to justify this for every situation because it is only my personal belief that I don’t ask anyone else to partake in. It is my comforter. It makes no sense when I’m struggling and desperately asking “why?” but when the storm has passed, I feel like I know why. It differs every time, but ultimately the times that are truly challenging and painful are the times I learn the most and grow the most as a person from. Usually I need the wisdom earned from mistakes made previously to deal with the moats that present themselves along my path.

Death was a curious thing to deal with. Having never had a person close to me pass away, I didn’t really know how to take it. First of all, being on the opposite end of the world when my amazing grandmother passed on made it so surreal. I didn’t feel like crying at first. I think I was just in shock, despite my awareness of her recent deterioration.

So I watched the film PS I Love You. Why? I knew this would help me cry and vent a lot of emotions that I had pushed to the side over the previous 3 and a half months. I was fine with Jerry’s death – I had seen this before and was prepared. What I had forgotten was that scene in which Holly’s world I crumbling around her and she runs to her mother and breaks down. I had forgotten about this part, and I simply couldn’t deal with it, I was a mess – this scene vividly reminded me of how much I missed my mum, not to mention the rest of my family. Realising just how much I have underappreciated having the luxury of running to my mum was painful, and there was so much that I wished I could run to her for in that moment. However, being about 17000km away was of no comfort. This library of emotion was only partly sorted. And only still is really, but I’m not rushing myself.

I’m just trying to feel the sunshine, instead of only knowing the sun is shining. I’m taking everything step by step and am not hesitating to live fully merely because of some harder things happening.

Cry when you need to cry, but remember to put your shoulders back, chin up and smile once the storm passes… don’t miss the sun because you’re reminiscing about the storm!