Archive | October, 2013

Courage and Moments Between

1 Oct

(Written in late July, unpublished ’til now)

I begin with an apology.

Sometimes I stop letting people in, and I don’t usually realise it until I’m out of the slump that rendered me uncaring. I feel so terribly awful when I become concious of how I may have been recently acting, being a cloud on people’s days instead of a ray of sunshine.  Sometimes I end up in the dark part of the tunnel before the pinprick of light appears and grows; I become selfish and lost in thoughts of the dark memories and moments which I’m trapped in. Eventually, the light always appears and fills me again, but in my dark moments, I barely have enough energy to care competently for myself let alone other people. I am sorry for whenever my company has become unpleasant for this very reason. I swear I’m putting in all the effort I can to be good company and I feel worthless when my company is a chore. Please know it’s not personal and although it mightn’t be apparent, I am having a vicious internal battle to regain positivity. My meek answer to your question was all of the energy I could muster to try and sound like I enjoyed that meal when really it was the last thing on my mind in that moment.
I’m sorry for these moments but please know that I am fighting them off as best I can.

On a more upbeat and irrelevant note, here is evidence of what happens when I try to take a selfie underwater:

(In Favignana, Italy)

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What about courage? For me thus far it has existed most of all in moments of mentally gritting my teeth and taking the plunge.

Taking the risk of diving behind the projection of Mexico’s stereotype into the real Mexico took courage – the flight from LA to Mexico City was the most fear I have ever felt in my life, out of fear that the stereotypes projected to much of the world might be correct. (Thankfully my fears were proved quite wrong.)

The thing that has taken more courage than anything else but that gets easier each time one does it is owning up to your own wrongs. Shamefully I don’t always do this which has resulted in some strained relationships at times. The courage it takes to admit your own flaws out loud to another person, not in self depreciation but in apology, has actually been the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Admitting when you royally mess up, or just when you’re ashamed of being moody or out of sorts is to put your own dignity and sense of self-worth at someone else’s disposal. Saying anything that puts yourself on the line really, espcially when it is something important to you… That is truely scary but important to do.

Caring about people takes courage, especially when travelling. To listen to people and actually care about them, their opinions and philosophies and experiences, is an act of courage. Its hard to let people in when you know they’ll be torn out of your life for sure and so soon.

It’s all worth it though, of course. To care and be hurt when leaving is better even if it means the pain, than to not interact at all. If you have an opportunity to genuinely experience something, there’s no point in not taking it, because then you miss it and the moment’s gone… it’s better to savour and experience.

Being alive is dangerous, living is even more dangerous.

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